How to make even the calmest Mallu snap?

Golden Tales

A couple of weeks ago I went to a jewellery with my mother. She had been pestering me for some time and after running out of all the excuses I could think of and found from my research on the internet I finally decided to give in and go with her.

The dreaded hour arrived. My mom got ready. She was wearing so much more jewelry than she normally did which made my dad to joke if she was going to sell or buy ornaments. Mom gave him a stare so cold that I immediately swallowed a couple of jokes that I had thought on my own. Man, dad’s tea is going to be horrible for the next week.

Finally I, mom and my little brother set off to the Jewelry. Dad escaped saying he had work to do. I had used that excuse about 3 times already, so I had no other option. We reached the Jewellery. Owing to the fact that my mom doesn’t come to the Jewellery much and that I don’t have any girl siblings this was my first ever visit to a jewellery since I was a toddler. It was a really boring experience. It was like the worst four hours of my life.   

So from this experience and the observations I have made, I present to you amateur Jewelry goers who will have to accompany their mothers/sisters/spouses/girlfriends to the Jewelry, some tips.


Tip no.1 - The best thing to do is not go to the jewelry at all or postpone going as much as you can. Use excuses to drop out from going. For Eg: The one I used first was to say that I was not well. But you have to use this with caution because after you use this excuse more than two times your mom will go uber-protective on you and will blame a lot of things like your late sleeping, eating junk food, not taking proper care etc. She will also start putting subtle hints about smoking and drinking. This is a cue to stop using this particular excuse. Another excuse you can use is about how tired you are from your work and the long hours to put at it. This can be used more times than the ‘I am sick’ excuse but should be put to rest when your mom starts saying “If you are finding your work this hard. Why don’t you start looking for another job? You can write this exam, that exam etc.”

Other than these two excuses there are other small excuses you can use but eventually you will have to subside and go with her.


Readers, if you have any other good excuses other than these please mention it in the comments so that I can use them next time.   

Tip no.2- The second tip is about how you can spend the least time in the Jewelers.  My mom spent about 4 hours choosing a single set of earrings. The equivalent amount of shopping for me would have taken four maximum fourteen minutes and that is just if the salesgirl is really cute.

At first I showed some interest and gave her some opinions. After about half hour I got bored (This had nothing to do with the fact that a cute girl who was trying out ornaments sitting right next to us had left), got up and started roaming around. After almost three hours she called me and showed me some ornaments and asked which one I liked. I had no idea, so I told her that the blue ones are good. My mom got angry and replied “Blue? There are no blue ones in there. The only coloured ones are lilac and lavender. You are just like your dad. Not interested in helping me.” I wanted to tell her that I didn’t even know what lilac and lavender are and that it is all blue to me. But when your mom starts drawing parallels between you and your dad it is a cue that it is time to shut up. 

Finally after what seemed like eternity my mom selected one and asked the sales guy to bill it. After he brought the bill my mom asked to see another set of earrings and finally ended up taking a different one.

The only way to escape from this time is to come to the jewellery an hour before it closes so that the ladies are left with no other option other than to finish the shopping in an hour. The only other option is to learn all about jewelry and the names of all the colours out there.

  

Tip no.3 - The third tip is about money if you are buying the jewelry. As I told you already, it was my first time in a jewellery so I had no idea how much gold would cost. But when I saw all the prices in the shop I was shocked. Boy, gold is costly. My mom selected only something which was way lower than my budget but for the next time I am going to the jewellery I have devised a clever plan. I will go to the shop only in the last week of the month. By this time I will exhaust my debit and credit cards to the exact limit I am willing to spend on the ornaments so that you don’t give them any option.

This plan however has a chance of backfiring. That is if the person who you are accompanying wants something that is over your budget and she suggests that you can come back the next month to buy it. This is the worst situation to be in, not only will you be losing more money but there is also a prospect of spending 4-5 hours more in the jewellery. If such a situation arises then beg, borrow, steal, call your friend who are within an hour distance and get the extra cash and get them the ornaments they want because another 4 more hours in a jewellery will make you want to kill yourself.  


Tip no.4 - When the cute girl sitting next to you who has been trying on ornaments for hours says ‘oh, the gold is too costly nowadays’, please don’t reply “See it is because countries can either stock money in the form of American Dollars or Gold, but since now the value of dollars have gone down countries are stocking more gold, hence the rise in gold prices. Goldman Sachs says…” The only thing this will get you is a look of contempt from the girl, although on hearing Goldman, the girl will turn and ask “Goldman? Who is he? Is he a superhero who produces gold? Awwww, can I marry Goldman?”

Tip no.5 - Good jewellerys offer you soft drinks or coffee when you are shopping. When an attendant offered me coffee I rejected because I had had enough of this machine made coffee at work .That was the worst mistake I made that day. So friends, if you are offered coffee at a jewellery, please take it and drink and ask if you can get more because trust me, you are going to need it.

Gold costs so much these days that I actually fell really bad for the parents of girl children who have to spend so much on gold for their weddings. So girls, if you want to save your parents all this trouble, please sent a mail to me (with a full size photo). I will be able to help one maybe maximum two dads. 

THE MALLU

In this post I will try to explain what ‘The Mallu’ is to all those who are not from the bitter gourd (Karela, for the people from states that don’t have 100% literacy) shaped beautiful state in the extreme south of India. 

The word Mallu came into existence long back in AD 2002 when people from the north of India(referred from here-on as the Amits) realised that in fact ‘Madras’ constituted of two different states, One in which everyone is a Rajni fan and another one in which everyone ate, slept, bathe and shit coconut. The word 'Mallu' is used to refer to three things by any person who lives to the north of Bangalore (which incidentally is the capital of ‘The Mallu’). It can refer either to a person from the state of Kerala or the ‘tuk-tak’ language they speak or more importantly to the porn from the south of the country.

 So what really is ‘The Mallu’? The Mallu is all what is said above and much much more. In fact it is a phenomenon. God made the Mallu only after he had achieved 100% literacy, which means it is his most complex and sophisticated creation.

 Statistically speaking The Mallu is a person who is
a. Highly educated.
b. Will put lots of coconut oil on his hair.
c. Will drink a lot of booze.
d. Will become an engineer or doctor and eventually commit suicide.

 Dear Amits, to understand what ‘The Mallu’ are you will first have to understand how ‘The Mallu’ is being created and also you should have Sensibility, Sensitivity and Resistivity.

 A typical mallu when born will be given the name Arun if he is a boy or Lakshmi (This name can sometimes be preceded by adjectives like Maha, Mega, Giga etc) if it’s a girl. The girl child can also be named from random English words like Mini, Shiny, Clara, Chlamydia etc.

 After this naming ceremony the mother will love their children by putting copious amounts of coconut oil in their hair.

 Then they will be sent to an English medium school. A typical conversation of a mallu parent who has come to drop off their child in the school for the first time in their LKG is “Mone, you must be first in all subjects. If you don’t come first we won’t give you any of delicious food I make in coconut oil. See that kid over there; he is my colleague’s child. Make sure that you beat him in everything including studies, sports, singing, dancing, karate, kathakali, kalaripayattu, arabipattu and also Tamil padyam.”

 To the teacher “Miss, please take care of him. Also make sure that he doesn’t speak, read or write a word of Malayalam. And please start his entrance exam coaching classes tomorrow itself.”

 The only solace a Mallu child will get in is in the chocolates and toys their uncle in the Gulf brings them.

 After this rigorous education process all mallus will sit for the competitive multiple choice exams and will come top in everything. This is because ‘The Mallu’ is being trained from a very young age to take multiple choice exams. Even when ‘The Mallu’ is in LKG, the only alphabets which he was thought were a, b, c, d and e which stood for none of the above.

 So after excelling in the entrance examination we will eventually join a high ranking engineering or medical college. When in this college along with studying we will also get into politics. You see, we mallus are very politically aware. This is a straight effect from our 100% literacy. We demonstrate this high political awareness by electing a different political party to the government every 5 years.

 Also ‘The Mallu’ is very cool, calm and peace loving person unlike the Amits of the north who are very noisy and violent. The Mallu likes to demonstrate his non-violent methods by observing a special festival called Hartal or Strike every other day. During this festival mallus very peacefully and non-violently march towards the nearest government office and peacefully vandalize the office and throw stones at the police, also peacefully. The police will also peacefully throw these stones back. This stone hurling is the national sport of ‘The Mallu’. In fact it is the practice that he got during these stone hurling sessions that helped the greatest mallu among all the mallus, Sreesanth to be the best bowler in all of cricket.

 So for all the Amits out there, this is how a Mallu comes into existence. All this entrance coaching, literacy, political awareness and coconut oil go into making of the greatest entity in the world, ‘The Mallu'. So please be very afraid of ‘The Mallu’ because you don’t just meet a mallu, they happen to you.

 P.S: The last line is not at all nicked from a T-Shirt.

 P.P.S: I started writing this post as a serious one about my state and the problems it is facing. Then I realized that I am not Chetan Bagat and switched to writing it the best way I knew.

 I am somebody who believes that the answer to all the problems this world faces lies in proper education. Yet my own state which boasts of a literacy rate which is higher than that of most European Countries has the highest rate of suicide in the whole of India. We consume the maximum amount of alcohol among all Indian States and mine is the state which has the highest number of divorces in India. Even if we have movies which are nominated for the Oscar we still prefer to see movies in which either a 60 year old grandfather is falling in love with a heroine 40 years younger than him or in which a fat, liposuctioned snob is driving around in big cars chasing girls. I end this article with a question ‘we mallus are definitely 100% literate, but are we even 10% educated?’

In your face, Christopher Nolan

In Indian Mythology; Vamana,an incarnation of Lord Vishnu, is said to have killed the wise and just king of Kerala, Mahabali. It is also said that Kerala is created by Parashurama, another incarnation of Lord Vishnu, by throwing an axe. But isn't Vamana the 5th incarnation of Lord Vishnu and Parashurama the 6th?

This proves that us Mallus, like a lot of other things, came up with the idea of non-linear narrative much before the western world even thought of it. In your face, Christopher Nolan.

If Tendulkar is god, Then I am an atheist.

Sachin Tendulkar is considered by many as the greatest batsman ever to have played the game of cricket. Only the legendary Sir Donald Bradman, who had a test average of 99.94 (Even he wouldn’t be able to get into SRCC), is considered an equal to him. Tendulkar holds almost all batting and appearance records in the five day and one day version of the game. In India he is considered nothing less than a god. This article is about why I hate him.

Let me say one thing first, I also agree that he is the best batsman of our generation. His statistics alone would prove it. If nothing else his longevity in the highest level of the game alone qualifies him for the title of legend. The guy started playing way back in 1989 when he was only 16 and is still going strong even after 22 years. So why is it that I hate Tendulkar? It is because of what he has made Indian cricket and its fans and in general Indian sports into.

When I was a kid, like every Indian boy, I was baptized into cricket and Sachin Tendulkar. I still remember the very first cricket matches I watched; it was a match between India and West Indies. I clearly remember one of the scenes when the cameraman zoomed into one of the bugs (a cricket most probably) on the ground. West Indies was batting first and I decided that I will support them because they had something similar to India in their name. Only later did I realize that the team that was bowling was India, and I duly switched my allegiance.

I used to be a big fan of Tendulkar when I was a kid. I watched him, adored him, idolized him, ate only ‘Boost’, said “Boost is the secret of my energy” along with him when the Ad came on TV and stopped watching the game when he got out as if nothing else mattered. Then came a time when he was out of the team for a long time due to a back injury. During this time, I became the fan of the other super star of the Indian cricket team at that time, Sourav Ganguly, and I never gone back to Tendulkar since.

The thing that I don’t get most about Tendulkar is why he is the only cricketer (except for players like Zaheer or Yuvraj who have common surnames), to whom Indians including Indian cricket commentators refer to by his first name. All Indians irrespective of there age, state or religion call him Sachin like he is somebody they know very close personally. Some of my friends have told me, during long arguments we used to have about Tendulkar that this is because he has a long surname. In that case, nobody called Hrishikesh Kanithkar, Hrishikesh, not that would have helped nor did anyone call Gavaskar, Sunil. In my opinion why we all call him Sachin is because that what we heard him being called in the numerous Ads that he has been and is continuing to be a part of. I am sure everyone remembers the ‘Boost’ Ad, where he says “When I was 16, there were nine fielders around me” or something like that and he drinks Boost and says that Boost is the secret of his energy and then blasts away the West Indian bowlers. Boost at that time came out with the tagline ‘The secret of Sachin’s energy’ because ‘The secret of Tendulkar’s energy’ wouldn’t sound catchy enough. This is how I think all of us Indians started to call him Sachin.

Another thing I don’t like about Tendulkar is that for a batsman of his caliber and experience he very often fails to perform under pressure or when he is most needed by his team. In the first 10-15 years of his career he did play many memorable knocks, made many great hundreds, but these where most during times when the pressure was not very high on him. When it came to crucial matches like finals etc, when India wanted the best batsman in the world to step up and deliver and be the god that he is supposed to be, he often cracked and failed to come up with a good performance. Also the short period he was captain of the Indian cricket team proved that he couldn’t take pressure. This was the time when he has the worst numbers in his career till date. I am not saying this is a fault of his. Leadership quality is something you are born with and not everyone is a Steve Waugh or MS Dhoni. But to the latter part of his career, that is, during the last 5-6 years he seems to be playing more knocks that are good for his team rather than only for him. There have been a lot of occasions where he has steped and saved the Indian team when they were in grave danger. Also he is performing a very good job as the captain of his IPL team, Mumbai Indians. So it took a cricketer who has been playing since he was 16 more than 15 years to learn to handle pressure? Is that the stuff of legends?

Another thing about Tendulkar which I hate is the way he stalls his innings when he reaches the 90’s irrespective of what position his team is in. I agree that almost all batsmen in the world do this, but I haven’t noticed any other batsman who undergoes such a huge change of style and pace in his batting when he reaches his 90’s. It is like all he cares about is his century and not his team.

The thing I hate most about Tendulkar is what he has made Indian cricket and its fans. He or the people who are with him have transformed Indian cricket into nothing but another place where corporate companies can invest in and get a good return. There is no longer any romance in Indian cricket. It is just a meaningless exercise for some people to make money. Most cricket fans in India stop watching a cricket match when Tendulkar gets out. My hostel common rooms would be full on match days, but as soon as Tendulkar got out the room would be empty except for 2 or 3 people. So are we a nation of cricket fans or just Tendulkar fans? Do we want India to win a match or will Tendulkar making a century do?

When India won the cricket world cup a few months back, I like everyone else thought that Tendulkar will retire at least from one day cricket. But he didn’t retire saying that he loves the sport too much for him to stop playing it. I am not saying that he should have retired; he is playing some of his best cricket now. But personally I think he didn’t retire because of the huge financial losses he would have in sponsorship and Ads if he retires from the sport. Tendulkar’s marketability is so huge that any product that he endorses is sure to be a hit with the Indian consumers.

This wild craze of cricket by Indians has rendered other Indian sports and sportspersons moot. There are many sportspersons in India who have made similar achievements in their chosen sport like Tendulkar has done in cricket, but they never get any media coverage or the spotlight. Does anyone know who Marykhom or Pankaj Advani is?

The 2000th test match is now being played between India and England in Lord’s now. Everyone is hoping that Tendulkar will make his hundredth hundred in this test. One of my friends had tweeted on the first day of the test “Fletcher’s 100th test as coach, India’s 100th test against England and of course the 100th hundred of the master”. I kindly reminded him that this was also the 2000th test, something worth mentioning and that not everything is about India and Tendulkar to which his reply was “for me that’s just something down the importance list”.

All in all, I agree that Tendulkar is a very good batsman, probably the greatest of all time, if not, at least of our generation. But if he is a God, then I am an atheist.

P.S: To all my friends, please don’t kill me. You are welcome to post your comments. I will not be replying to anyone of them as I have finished my lifetime quota of arguments with others on just this one topic.

What if Hogwarts was in India?

As the last movie of the Harry Potter Series is released, it brings an end to the most loved fantasy of our generation. Now that JK Rowling will no longer write a Harry Potter book, I have decided to take the matter into my own hands. :)

Here is my imagination on what would have happened if Hogwarts were in India:

1. Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry would have been renamed Indira/Rajiv Gandhi School of witchcraft and wizardry.

2. Rajni would have replaced Albus Dumbledore as the headmaster of the school.

3. The sorting hat would have to resign because it was accused by the opposition for supporting family politics by putting all the Weasleys in Gryffindor.

4. Parvati and Padma Patil will not get admission in to the school as 50% of the seats are reserved for SC/ST/OBC/ABC/XYZ quota and they are from a high caste.

5. Harry Potter would have to destroy only half of the Horcruxes, as he is from the potter community which is considered backward in India, hence giving him concession.

6. Harry wouldn’t miss the Hogwarts Express in the second book because it would be running 5 hours late.

7. The Bengalis will demand that they should have special reservation for the post of the defense against the dark arts (DADA) teacher.

8. All India sweepers association will oppose people playing Quiddittch saying that it uses brooms, which is their primary tool of work, and hence is insulting to their profession and community.

9. Tom Riddle will not be Heir of Slytherin because of the property dispute case about the chamber of secrets that has been going on in the Supreme Court.

10. There will a special elective course called ‘Political Magic’. The only spell that would be taught in this class would be one in which money can be vanished from India and then made to reappear in Switzerland.

11. The Triwizard tournament would be made an annual event by the name Triwizard Premier League.

12. The deamentors who guard the political prisoners in the jail would go on a strike complaining that they are not getting any souls to suck from their inmates.

13. Ollivander’s will go out of business because people will use the cheap plastic wands that are being imported from China.

14. Keralities will however not use these cheap knockoffs. All of there wands will be made out of coconut trees and will have coconut husk and coconut leaf in its core.

15. The three unforgivable curses will be Madar****, Behen**** and, well, you get the point.

16. BJP would demand that the name ‘Order of Phoenix’ should be changed to ‘Order of Jatayu’.

17. After finishing their magical education Hermione(The 10 pointer) will go to US to do her MS, Harry(The 7 pointer with a good resume and leadership skills) will join an IIM to do an MBA and Ron(The 7 pointer will a less impressive resume) will join a software company in Bangalore(“I come from a poor family. I have to look after them.”)

18. After many unsuccessful attempts to kill Harry, Voldemort will give up, surrender, get into politics and then using his influence will give a Supari to a Mumbai gang for killing Harry Potter who will finish off the job in a day.


19. The minister of magic during this time will deeply condemn the murder of Harry Potter and will promise a sum of Rs 5 lakh to Ginny Weasley.

20. The saddest thing is that, when the sorting hat sorts Indians into houses almost everyone will go to Slytherin, some will go to Ravenclaw, Two or three will go to Gryffindor and Hufflepuff would cease to exist as the sorting hat couldn’t find an Indian who could be put in that house. (For you lesser Harry Potter Nerds who didn’t understand that; Slytherin house is for people who are shrewd, cunning, opportunistic and ambitious, Ravenclaw is kind of for nerds, Gryffindor is for brave people and Hufflepuff is for honest and straight forward people)


P.S: I know this article is very similar to the last one I wrote about the football world cup in India, but as comedian Russell Peters says “We Indians are just a huge supply of cheap jokes.”

How football WC in Qatar and India will be held.

Ever since FIFA allotted the 2022 football world cup to Qatar, the decision and subsequent statements from FIFA have been marred by controversies. First was Sepp Blatter's statement that the WC may be held in winter, that is December- January, to escape the scorching heat of the desert, and then was his very controversial statement that homosexual people should restrain from attending this world cup. And now the chairman of the organizing committee is saying that there are plans that matches will be played in thirds, that is 3 periods of 30 minutes each, so that the players will get a rest from the heat. Although FIFA has said that there are no such plans, the damage has been done and international sports lovers are now being very skeptical about the decision to allot the WC to Qatar.

Here are some of my thoughts on how the world cup will be held finally.

1. Instead of the normal game where there are two goalposts there will only be one goalpost towards the west direction and all the game will be played in this direction.
2. Following the footsteps of Larissa Riqulemet and Poonam Pandey, famous purdah model Shawar-Ma Al Faham has said that she will remove the veil of her burkah and display her face if Qatar wins the world cup.
3. In order to counter the heat the whole stadium will be enclosed and made Air Conditioned (This is something Qatar is actually planning to do). In addition to this there will be ducts in the ground where cool air will be pumped upwards towards the players and the football will also be made of ice to keep the players cool.
4. The game will come to a stop 5 times a day, when it's time for the prayers. This is wisely planned by the organizers so that the players will get a break and can go and sit in their AC rooms.
5. Since it is hard to grow green grass in the Arab desert, whole football stadiums will be imported from Europe. There are also plans to pull a small piece of Madagascar towards Qatar and to hold the WC there.
6. The opening ceremony will have a performance by the band Oasis (Obvious, right?). Shakira will not be invited because of the sheer abundance of belly dancers in Qatar. There will also be a performance by the singers form Idea star singer, for the enjoyment of the majority of the Qatari population.
7. Every player who plays well, that is, scores more than 2 goals will be signed by Manchester City.
8. Alcohol is strictly banned during the world. Petrol however will be free for anyone who is coming to watch the world cup.
9. Hooligans will be banned for the world cup. This is because they throw stuff into the grounds and in the Middle East throwing stuff at something is only permitted for a limited number of days. The organizers also made it clear that they are cordially invited during that period to throw things.

Similarly if India were to host a world cup, this is what will happen

1. The WC will be held in December- January anyways, not to escape from the heat but because the stadiums and pitches could not be finished in time for the WC in June.
2. Instead of the traditional green football fields, the grounds will be multi colored with every inch being painted with the advertisement of some company.
3. There will be 10 minute strategic timeouts during each half which the teams must compulsorily take.
4. Football “fans” from India will finally realize that the football world cup is played by 32 teams and not just Brazil and Argentina.
5. In order to keep the players cool, all the teams will be supplied with huge amounts of Emami cool talc, Duniya ka sabse chota AC.
6. The head of the organizing committee will overtake the Padmanabha Swami Temple in wealth once the world cup is over.
7. The head quarters of the organizing committee will be in Tihar jail.
8. The winner of the world cup will be decided by an IPL style auction. BCCI will not be allowed to bid.
9. Irrespective of the winner of the world cup, the Golden Boot, Golden Ball and Lev Yashin awards will go to Sachin Tendulkar.
10. The Fair play will; however will go to Manmohan Singh for his peaceful and silent handling of the problems during the world cup.
11. Enormous amounts of Rajni jokes about Rajni, Messi and a football will be made.
12. The final will have to be shifted from Mumbai because Shivsena will have a problem because the footballs are made in Pakistan.
13. Rahul Gandhi will watch the Semi Finals from a village in UP and the travel by sleeper class to watch the final so that he can understand the plight of the Indian youth who have to travel by sleeper class to see the final.
14. The finals will be attended by famous Indian footballers like Baichung Bhutia, IM Vijayan and that boy who played football in the US, as these are the only football players the organizing committee knows. The rest of the guests from the sports field will be cricketers and PT Usha.
15. Rajdeep Sardesai’s final tweet of the day will be, “The world cup is over, the goals have been scored, but has Indian scored their goals? Goodnight.”

35 Things I want To Do Before I Die

Today is the last day of my work at Jalgaon. I have to stay in office till 11. My boss has told me to do a couple of things, but I don’t feel like doing them. I was flicking through a blog and found a post called ‘100 things I want to do before I die’. I also decided to make such a list. So here goes.

1. Work in the Sports field even if for a little time.
2. Go to England to watch a Manchester United game at Old Trafford.
3. Go and watch a whole Football WC, living on the streets and carrying only a backpack just like a hippie.
4. Go to every state in India. (Thanks to Marico, I have able to achieve this goal to some extent)
5. Go to Europe in the winter when it is snowing. (I know it is a 90’s Bollywood cliché, but still.)
6. Go live a year alone in my Tharavadu in Alapuzha.
7. Learn how to row a Boat and row a boat in Punnamda Kayal.
8. Take part in the Nehru trophy boat race.
9. Own an Enfield Bullet.
10. Own an SLR camera.
11. Teach for sometime at a school in a rural area in Kerala.
12. Learn at least 10 Languages. (Malayalam, English, Hindi, Tamil and Marathi done. 5 more to go)
13. Go to Las Vegas and play Poker at the Bellagio.
14. Learn to shoot a rifle.
15. Own an SUV.
16. Live in one of those sea facing apartments on Calicut beach.
17. Own a Pub.
18. Write a book, and run behind some publishers.
19. Meet Aishwarya Rai.
20. Propose to a girl.
21. Learn to cook fish the way my Dad’s Sisters do it and to cook in general.
22. Beat my Dad in Swimming.
23. Learn to swim backstroke.
24. Do bungee jumping, para gliding, Sky diving and the thing that Salman Khan does in the Mountain Dew Ad.
25. Go out to the sea in a ship for a long time.
26. Run a Marathon.
27. Live in Mumbai for 2-3 years.
28. Own a Rolex.
29. Start learning Mridangam again.
30. Learn how to play the Jazz.
31. Have a dog as pet, preferably a Lab.
32. Sponsor the full education of a kid.
33. Start a library, in my own home at first, and when there is enough books open it to public
34. Take over the responsibilities of our family temple from Dad and do it properly.
35. Earn enough money to do all the above mentioned

Steps required to eat a Dairymilk in Baddi

Steps required to eat a Dairymilk in Baddi(Temperature here today 4 Degrees)

1. Go to the shop and buy one without minding the fact that you may get frozen to death.
2. Come back home and defrost your numb hands in front of the heater so that you can open the wrapper.
3. After removing the wrapper bite on it, only to realise that it is rock hard and something has happened to your front teeth.
4. Repeat step 2, this time for the chocolate.
5. Bite into it now and enjoy the most delicious thing that man has ever made.

This is the trouble I went to, to eat a Dairymilk before starting to write this. After all Amma paranjitundu "Subharambh karne se pehle kuch meeta khana chahiye"... ;) :)