A Friend Indeed

About a month back I was at home for a week of holidays that I had between finishing my first year of MBA in Pune and joining for my internship in Delhi.

One evening I was out shopping with my folks and I ran into an old school friend of mine, Arun (Name changed or even if I haven’t I have like 50 friends named Arun, so you can go figure out which one it is). I had not met him for a long time and we started chatting. Our parents were in touch as my parents used to consult Arun’s dad who is a doctor. We chatted and caught up for some time and when it was time for us to leave he asked if I could do him a favor. I said sure and he told me that his parents want him to get married and they were going to a prospective bride’s home to see her next day. He was feeling really nervous and wanted me to accompany him.

I was surprised and a little taken aback actually. Sure, the guy was a close friend when we were in school 8 years back, but since then we had drifted apart. We had kept in touch with the occasional message, chat and call but it is not like we were close friends anymore. This was actually the first time I was meeting him after school. After school we both went to different cities to do our engineering and for the first one year or so we made plans to meet each other when we were back in our home town but it never materialized and eventually we stopped trying. I wanted to ask him if he hadn't made any close friends during those eight years. Also to be honest I was at home for only 7 days and I was so busy running around that the next day was the only time I was getting to stay at home fully, do nothing and relax. But out of courtesy, the fact that our parents were close and that my parents would never forgive me if I didn't go I agreed.

One of the other reasons I didn't want to go is because I am never good at these traditional family kind of situations, I am clueless of what to do and also I had no idea what advice to give my friend if he asked for it the next day. But now that I decided to do it, I wanted to do it right. So I called up a couple of my friends who had recently got married and asked them how the exercise went. They gave me some general idea and said that it is not a big deal as everyone makes it out to be and that the movies and all exaggerate it too much so that we have a huge misconception about it. I was relieved and confident from the knowledge I acquired was all set to handle the next day.

So the next day, Arun with his parents came to pick me up in the morning. During the 45 minutes car ride to the girl's place I understood why my friend had asked me to come along with him. His parents apparently thought very highly of me because I had got into high ranking engineering and MBA colleges which their son had tried to get into unsuccessfully. So I guess if something went wrong during the process like if he didn't like the girl and his parents did he was expecting me to take his side and convince the parents otherwise.

During the car ride he showed me a photo of the girl and asked my opinion about her. Now this is a question that always puts me in a very awkward position, whenever someone shows me the picture of their prospective bride or fiancée and asks me what I feel. I am always lost trying to find that answer which says that their choice is good enough without sounding offensive or inappropriate by saying something like oh yeah, she is a hottie. I played it safe and said she looks nice and she did too, she was good looking. But honestly she was all dressed up in a sari and going to some function in the photo and everyone looks good when you are like that. She also looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place from where.

Finally we reached the girl’s place and were invited inside by her entire family. Apart from the girl’s parents and their younger son who studied in some engineering college the girl’s dad’s brother and his family consisting of his wife and a daughter were also present. After a round of mutual introductions the girl was called to the hall. Her name was Lakshmi( I called the guy Arun, what did you expect me to call the girl?) and she was an engineer from a decent private college in Kerala and has been working for an IT company in Kochi for two years. I also realized where I knew her from. The photo didn't make me remember her but when I saw her in person I remembered who she was. She used to be the girlfriend of one of my friend’s in college. There used to be a photo of him and her together in his room. I remember this because when they broke up we went through the ritual of drinking a lot to drown the pain, calling her a lot of profanity and eventually burning the photo. I really didn't know the reason why they broke up also, I was just part of the ritual for a friend. I didn't know if I should tell this to Arun because I didn't know the reason why they broke up, it could have been a genuine reason and to be honest my college friend was kind of a douchebag and also I didn't know how Arun felt about marrying a girl who had a relationship in the past. I didn't want to ruin what could be a perfectly good marriage because of this.

Lakshmi’s cousin sister was also there, she was her father’s brother’s daughter and about the same age as her. After the pleasantries and some tea and snacks, Arun and Lakshmi were left alone together for the ritual of talking to each other in private. This practice always dumbfounds me, how the hell are we supposed to say if we are ready to spend a lifetime with a person after just 10-15 minutes of private conversation with them. Anyways, after Arun and Lakshmi left, I was sitting there in the company of a lot of adults. Lakhsmi’s uncle was talking to me and asking me a lot of probing questions about myself and what I planned to do in life and all. Out of the blue he asked me if like them I am a Nair (A caste among Hindus in Kerala). Putting together the fact that he had a daughter of marrying age and the probing questions he asked I knew what he meant with that question. He was coming to me with a marriage proposal for his daughter. With a smile on my face and having already formulated a polite reply for rejecting the proposal I said yes, I am a Nair too. Before he could ask any more questions I got a call on my phone. I excused myself and stepped outside to take the call. I took my sweet time on the call as I didn't want to go back and answer the question that I was sure that was going to come.

I finished the call and turned around only to see the uncle standing right behind me. I was startled and then he asked me if he can ask me a question. I already knew what the question would be and mentally preparing myself to say the answer I said yes. He asked me “How would you like to marry Lakshmi? Me and her parents had a talk among ourselves and decided that you would be a much better match for Lakshmi than Arun.” I was left speechless for some time. I wanted to roundhouse kick him where it mattered for bring a proposition to me for a girl whom I had come to see for my friend. But I was too much in shock to say or do anything. As I was preparing an answer for this question which felt like a trick question that had come in the exam for which I had prepared something else he continued saying that Lakshmi is coming here now to talk to you in private, you people talk and then tell me a decision. We are bringing her from the other side so that Arun or his parents don’t see this. Before I could say anything Lakshmi came there. The situation reminded me of the placement week in an MBA college where you are sent to the interviews of different companies who have come to the campus on the same time without them not seeing each other.

The uncle left two of us alone and after adjusting myself to the situation my first question to Lakshmi was that why did you agree to all this? She said she is just doing what her relatives told her to do and went on speaking like this was a normal situation. She started talking about herself in what looked like a well prepared answer like the sort MBA students prepare for the “tell me about yourself” question in interviews. When she stopped talking, out of habit I almost asked her ‘Why MBA?” I stopped myself in time and then she went on to describe how she selected the dress she was wearing right then. Getting really tired of this I said “I am Rahul Menon’s batchmate” (Rahul Menon is her ex and my friend). That stopped her, she took a moment to regain her composure and said “yeah, we were together and we broke up. Do you have a problem with that?” Before I answered this I was luckily saved by her mother’s arrival who announced that lunch is ready. She asked me to come in and Lakshmi to come in through the back door. I made a mental note to pass on their contact on to my college’s placement team. They could maybe take a couple of pointers from these people on how to operate during the placement week.

I went back in. Everyone was already seated on the dining table. The uncle asked me loudly “Oh, that was a long phone call, huh?” and then winked at me. I tried really hard to act normal but I was not very successful. I am sure Arun noticed this and he gave me a dude, what happened to you look. Laskhmi entered at this time. Arun’s parents were beckoning for her to sit next to him but her family made her sit next to me. After a very awkward lunch (Sambar was awesome, rasam was not good) I rushed Arun and his family to leave saying that I had to be somewhere. They said their goodbyes. Lakshmi’s family said they will call them. I was fighting really hard to control my laughter on the analogy of this statement to what an HR person says to a rejected candidate after an interview. As we were about to leave the uncle caught me again and said that he will call my parents to talk about this further. I didn't say anything as I knew I hadn't given them any phone numbers and I knew that the matter would end there. That is when I remembered that I told them that my mom worked in BSNL and I gave them her name and designation. Then uncle had told me that he had a neighbor who also worked in the same department and will ask him about her. I cursed myself for telling him that and got in the car.

In the car Arun and his parents were very happy. The aunty was saying that she liked the girl very much and that she thinks that the girl’s side likes Arun also because they said to her that he is a very good boy especially in the area of having good friends and keeping a good company. She added that she was so glad that I come along and if the marriage gets fixed it is because of me. At this moment I was seriously contemplating suicide by jumping out of the moving car. Finally they dropped me at my home thanking me profoundly all the way.

After I reached home I told my mother the entire story. She almost fell down the chair laughing. I asked her to expect a call from the girl’s folks and she said she will take care of it.

I thought that was the end of it until Arun calls me couple of days later and tells me in a very sad voice that their family approached Lakshmi’s family and they rejected him and didn't tell the reason why. Apparently his parents are very upset and he was wondering if I could talk to the girl’s family because they thought very highly of me. This was getting really out of hand and I decided to put an end to it once and for all. I told him that I had been inquiring more about the girl and I found out that she had a really serious relationship with a batch mate from my college. I even send him a photo I had with me of me and some of my college friends taken in my friend’s room which had the aforementioned picture of him and the girl in the background. This pacified him and he said that then them rejecting him was for the best and that he didn't want to be married to such a girl. He thanked me again for all that I had done for him. I ended the call saying what are friends for. His parents called me an hour later to thank me again for all that I had done and for saving my friend from being married to an “immoral” girl. Aunty went on to add that she wished I was in Kerala for longer so that I could accompany them on all the “girl-seeing” trips. I left for Delhi the next day vowing never to come back to Kerala again.

P.S: I know this is a much longer and very different from the “own goals” I usually write. I just wanted to try my hand at writing a story. I was reading a post about funny incidents that happened during arranged marriages on Quora and this idea struck me. Don’t worry, a totally own-goally post is in the process of being written and will come up shortly.                                        

               

A Serious Post!!!

For a long time the fans of my blog have been telling me “Gokul, you have so profound and relevant philosophies about life. Why don’t you write a serious post about it in your blog along with all the insanely hilarious posts you write that we love to read again and again?” One particular fan was very adamant and voracious about me writing a serious post “How do you expect me to find a girl for you if all you keep writing about is hating coming gold shopping with me? Write some serious posts or I won’t give you coconut cooked in coconut oil along with coconut chutney”’ “Shut up mom, I am searching the blogosphere for blogs that will ‘inspire’ my new post.”

Finally I caved into the pressure and decided to write a serious post. The biggest reason for this is that something has been troubling me deeply for the past few days. I have a deep pain inside me the cause of which I can’t find out. It’s like whenever I go to sleep I get this feeling that someone is backstabbing me. Every day when I wake up it is like my heart is paining. So I decided to write this blog post to introspect about what is happening with my life.

Oh, nevermind, turns out one of the bed springs from my mattress had come loose and was poking me while I was sleeping.  So I really don’t have any deep seated pains in my visceral organs after all, other than what the indigestion is causing. Darn, I was looking forward to writing a serious post.

Anyway now that I have started, I will finish this post in my usual manner.

Recently one of my friends had a serious mishap while travelling. She missed her plane as she went to the airport at 7 pm to catch the flight only to realize that the flight was at 7 am and that she had misread her ticket. Not wanting to waste any time, she got on a horse, chased down a bus to where she wanted to go on the highway, overtook it and heroically jumped in to it, reached the place she wanted to go in time and saved the entire world. At least that is what she wants us to think happened. What happened actually is that she chased the bus in an auto, got in at the next stop and reached her destination well after the event she had to attend was done.  

This got me thinking about all the incidents that have happened to me while traveling. I love travelling and have travelled a lot and along with it have come a lot of weird and funny incidents.  I have once been stranded in a Maruti 800 in front of a wild elephant in the forests of Northern Kerala, me and my friends set off for Gokarna with half an hour preparation only to find ourselves stranded on a beach that was literally filled with excrement and once during a trip we found out that we have somehow managed to lose the horn in our rented car, got lost on a beach on a bike and ran into a old man who was rushing into a liquor store. And all these don’t even make my top five.        

  

So what are the incidents that actually make up my top 5 travel incidents? Well, here goes

1. Once during a bus ride, I ended up sitting next to a black money distributor who told me all about his operations and gave me his number and asked me to call him in case I needed any money. Still keeping his number just in case.

2. Once while coming down from Bangalore in a train, I was sitting next to this man who was travelling in a train during the day for the first time. He was literally squealing with excitement when he could see the front of our train coming round a corner. He asked me to look at it every time, the first couple of times I did it out of politeness but then I had to tell him I had travelled on a train many times before during day time and I had seen it may times. He still kept annoying me. It was a pretty empty train, so I tried moving seats but he kept following me. Finally I had to get down at a station some 3 hours before I was supposed to get down and take a bus for the rest of the journey.

3. I was once seated in a local bus with a guy who pointed at a girl, told me he loved her so much, but she was ignoring him and now he was thinking of murdering her. Needless to say I got down at the next stop and took an auto to where I want to go.

4. I was once in a train and a gorgeous girl came and sat next to me. I started talking to her and we really hit it off. She has been my girlfriend ever since. Oh wait, that was just a dream.

5. And worst of all, recently while travelling on a bus I had to sit through a back to back screening of ‘War chod na yaar’ and ‘Grand Masti’.

So when you plan your next trip and want it to be ‘interesting’ and ‘eventful’ you know whom to call. And if you really want to know my life philosophies, girls inbox me your numbers; I would be happy to give you one on one lessons and boys float an excel sheet or something; I will give a power point session sometime.    

What is in a name?

Recently one of my cousins had a baby boy. Against my wishes I was dragged into the process of choosing a name for the baby. I participated reluctantly at first suggesting some names like Rishabh and Amit, but they said these where North Indian names and they wanted a good Mallu name. I suggested Arun, the malluest of all names, but they rejected it saying that there were already 783496 Aruns in our family and they wanted a name that is not very common and fully Mallu. I suggested Marthanda Varma; they came at me with a sword. This went on for quite some time during which a lot of names got rejected and out of desperation, I offered to loan my name. This idea was not met with an enthusiastic response. Fed up with all this I got up and flipkarted them a book called ‘Indian Baby Names’, thus ending my association with the long and winding processes. I have now decided to gift all my relatives who are having babies with this book so that I will be spared from the torture of having to be a part of the painstaking process of choosing a name for the kid.

I have heard that some people decide on what to name their kids, when they are young. I have had a friend who spilt up with his girlfriend and the reason was that they had a fight about what the name of their kids will be. I quite liked the idea of picking out your kids names early, so I decided to give it a try. So future wife of mine, Ryan Giggs , Wayne Rooney, Mila Kunis and Zoey Deschanel it is going to be.

 I frankly think kids should be able to choose their own names so that they don’t have to live the embarrassing name their parents have given then. I think kids when they are about 10 or 12 should be allowed to select what their name should be. Although if this is the case almost 99% of Indian kids will end up with the name Sachin Tendulkar.

There is this story of a guy who had a kid and decided not to give the kid a name. So everybody started calling him “No Name” and eventually his name became set as “No Name”. I have a friend whose name is ‘Amit’ with no second name. So when a teacher or someone asks for his name he says Amit and when they ask for the full name he says “Just Amit”. Now everyone calls him ‘Just Amit’.

There is no escaping this world if you have a weird name. Your life will be wasted standing in endless queues where you have to correct your misspelled name in certificates, ID cards etc. I have always had this problem. I have an easy first name ‘Gokul’ and a tougher second name ‘Raghunadh’. I know my second name is spelled wrong and it should actually be ‘Raghunath’. So whenever I fill out any official forms or something I make it sure to spell out my name to whoever is taking down my details. But inevitably when my certificate or the document I want comes my second name will be spelled wrong. Hello people who write certificates, I know the spelling of my name, you don’t have to spell check it for me. My certificate collection has certificates in it where my second name varies from Raghunath, Reghunath, Nath, Ranghunandan etc. Even my engineering mark lists spelled my name wrong and I had to stand in many queues to change that. Last month I had attended a seminar and when they gave me the certificate out of habit I checked my second name and surprisingly it was spelled correctly. That is when I noticed that my first name was spelled ‘Gekul’. Seriously people, why would anyone name their kid after something that sounds like a lizard?

Mallus have the practice of getting my first name wrong. They spell it ‘Gogul’. No good people of Kerala, I am not the search engine and there is a K in my name. But so many people are actually misspelling my name Gogul that I am now planning to create an alter ego ‘Gogul, The Media Mogul’. Somehow I don’t think that idea will click.

Another problem I had with my name was when I worked in Maharashtra. Marathis could not comprehend the fact that I had no caste name attached to my name. I tried to explain to them that we Mallus are very secular and most of us don’t prefer to keep our caste names with our names. This just led to more questions and fed up with answering all those I started to invent random Mallu caste names as my second name. So if you ever go to Jalgaon in Maharashtra and somebody tells you about a Gokul Pillai or Varma or Nair or Menon it is probably me. One doubt a Marathi friend of mine had was if Mallus don’t have caste names with their name then how will we know when we first meet a girl and ask her name if you can hit on her or not. I didn’t have an answer to that.

So to people who ask what is in a name, I say everything. It represents what you are more than anything else. It is like one of these things like where you are born or which caste you are born into, that even though you have no control on it plays a huge role in where your life ends up.  

Signing off with that,

Your Humble Blogger,

Sachin Tendulkar. 

300, The Mallu Version!!!

How to make even the calmest Mallu snap?

Golden Tales

A couple of weeks ago I went to a jewellery with my mother. She had been pestering me for some time and after running out of all the excuses I could think of and found from my research on the internet I finally decided to give in and go with her.

The dreaded hour arrived. My mom got ready. She was wearing so much more jewelry than she normally did which made my dad to joke if she was going to sell or buy ornaments. Mom gave him a stare so cold that I immediately swallowed a couple of jokes that I had thought on my own. Man, dad’s tea is going to be horrible for the next week.

Finally I, mom and my little brother set off to the Jewelry. Dad escaped saying he had work to do. I had used that excuse about 3 times already, so I had no other option. We reached the Jewellery. Owing to the fact that my mom doesn’t come to the Jewellery much and that I don’t have any girl siblings this was my first ever visit to a jewellery since I was a toddler. It was a really boring experience. It was like the worst four hours of my life.   

So from this experience and the observations I have made, I present to you amateur Jewelry goers who will have to accompany their mothers/sisters/spouses/girlfriends to the Jewelry, some tips.


Tip no.1 - The best thing to do is not go to the jewelry at all or postpone going as much as you can. Use excuses to drop out from going. For Eg: The one I used first was to say that I was not well. But you have to use this with caution because after you use this excuse more than two times your mom will go uber-protective on you and will blame a lot of things like your late sleeping, eating junk food, not taking proper care etc. She will also start putting subtle hints about smoking and drinking. This is a cue to stop using this particular excuse. Another excuse you can use is about how tired you are from your work and the long hours to put at it. This can be used more times than the ‘I am sick’ excuse but should be put to rest when your mom starts saying “If you are finding your work this hard. Why don’t you start looking for another job? You can write this exam, that exam etc.”

Other than these two excuses there are other small excuses you can use but eventually you will have to subside and go with her.


Readers, if you have any other good excuses other than these please mention it in the comments so that I can use them next time.   

Tip no.2- The second tip is about how you can spend the least time in the Jewelers.  My mom spent about 4 hours choosing a single set of earrings. The equivalent amount of shopping for me would have taken four maximum fourteen minutes and that is just if the salesgirl is really cute.

At first I showed some interest and gave her some opinions. After about half hour I got bored (This had nothing to do with the fact that a cute girl who was trying out ornaments sitting right next to us had left), got up and started roaming around. After almost three hours she called me and showed me some ornaments and asked which one I liked. I had no idea, so I told her that the blue ones are good. My mom got angry and replied “Blue? There are no blue ones in there. The only coloured ones are lilac and lavender. You are just like your dad. Not interested in helping me.” I wanted to tell her that I didn’t even know what lilac and lavender are and that it is all blue to me. But when your mom starts drawing parallels between you and your dad it is a cue that it is time to shut up. 

Finally after what seemed like eternity my mom selected one and asked the sales guy to bill it. After he brought the bill my mom asked to see another set of earrings and finally ended up taking a different one.

The only way to escape from this time is to come to the jewellery an hour before it closes so that the ladies are left with no other option other than to finish the shopping in an hour. The only other option is to learn all about jewelry and the names of all the colours out there.

  

Tip no.3 - The third tip is about money if you are buying the jewelry. As I told you already, it was my first time in a jewellery so I had no idea how much gold would cost. But when I saw all the prices in the shop I was shocked. Boy, gold is costly. My mom selected only something which was way lower than my budget but for the next time I am going to the jewellery I have devised a clever plan. I will go to the shop only in the last week of the month. By this time I will exhaust my debit and credit cards to the exact limit I am willing to spend on the ornaments so that you don’t give them any option.

This plan however has a chance of backfiring. That is if the person who you are accompanying wants something that is over your budget and she suggests that you can come back the next month to buy it. This is the worst situation to be in, not only will you be losing more money but there is also a prospect of spending 4-5 hours more in the jewellery. If such a situation arises then beg, borrow, steal, call your friend who are within an hour distance and get the extra cash and get them the ornaments they want because another 4 more hours in a jewellery will make you want to kill yourself.  


Tip no.4 - When the cute girl sitting next to you who has been trying on ornaments for hours says ‘oh, the gold is too costly nowadays’, please don’t reply “See it is because countries can either stock money in the form of American Dollars or Gold, but since now the value of dollars have gone down countries are stocking more gold, hence the rise in gold prices. Goldman Sachs says…” The only thing this will get you is a look of contempt from the girl, although on hearing Goldman, the girl will turn and ask “Goldman? Who is he? Is he a superhero who produces gold? Awwww, can I marry Goldman?”

Tip no.5 - Good jewellerys offer you soft drinks or coffee when you are shopping. When an attendant offered me coffee I rejected because I had had enough of this machine made coffee at work .That was the worst mistake I made that day. So friends, if you are offered coffee at a jewellery, please take it and drink and ask if you can get more because trust me, you are going to need it.

Gold costs so much these days that I actually fell really bad for the parents of girl children who have to spend so much on gold for their weddings. So girls, if you want to save your parents all this trouble, please sent a mail to me (with a full size photo). I will be able to help one maybe maximum two dads. 

THE MALLU

In this post I will try to explain what ‘The Mallu’ is to all those who are not from the bitter gourd (Karela, for the people from states that don’t have 100% literacy) shaped beautiful state in the extreme south of India. 

The word Mallu came into existence long back in AD 2002 when people from the north of India(referred from here-on as the Amits) realised that in fact ‘Madras’ constituted of two different states, One in which everyone is a Rajni fan and another one in which everyone ate, slept, bathe and shit coconut. The word 'Mallu' is used to refer to three things by any person who lives to the north of Bangalore (which incidentally is the capital of ‘The Mallu’). It can refer either to a person from the state of Kerala or the ‘tuk-tak’ language they speak or more importantly to the porn from the south of the country.

 So what really is ‘The Mallu’? The Mallu is all what is said above and much much more. In fact it is a phenomenon. God made the Mallu only after he had achieved 100% literacy, which means it is his most complex and sophisticated creation.

 Statistically speaking The Mallu is a person who is
a. Highly educated.
b. Will put lots of coconut oil on his hair.
c. Will drink a lot of booze.
d. Will become an engineer or doctor and eventually commit suicide.

 Dear Amits, to understand what ‘The Mallu’ are you will first have to understand how ‘The Mallu’ is being created and also you should have Sensibility, Sensitivity and Resistivity.

 A typical mallu when born will be given the name Arun if he is a boy or Lakshmi (This name can sometimes be preceded by adjectives like Maha, Mega, Giga etc) if it’s a girl. The girl child can also be named from random English words like Mini, Shiny, Clara, Chlamydia etc.

 After this naming ceremony the mother will love their children by putting copious amounts of coconut oil in their hair.

 Then they will be sent to an English medium school. A typical conversation of a mallu parent who has come to drop off their child in the school for the first time in their LKG is “Mone, you must be first in all subjects. If you don’t come first we won’t give you any of delicious food I make in coconut oil. See that kid over there; he is my colleague’s child. Make sure that you beat him in everything including studies, sports, singing, dancing, karate, kathakali, kalaripayattu, arabipattu and also Tamil padyam.”

 To the teacher “Miss, please take care of him. Also make sure that he doesn’t speak, read or write a word of Malayalam. And please start his entrance exam coaching classes tomorrow itself.”

 The only solace a Mallu child will get in is in the chocolates and toys their uncle in the Gulf brings them.

 After this rigorous education process all mallus will sit for the competitive multiple choice exams and will come top in everything. This is because ‘The Mallu’ is being trained from a very young age to take multiple choice exams. Even when ‘The Mallu’ is in LKG, the only alphabets which he was thought were a, b, c, d and e which stood for none of the above.

 So after excelling in the entrance examination we will eventually join a high ranking engineering or medical college. When in this college along with studying we will also get into politics. You see, we mallus are very politically aware. This is a straight effect from our 100% literacy. We demonstrate this high political awareness by electing a different political party to the government every 5 years.

 Also ‘The Mallu’ is very cool, calm and peace loving person unlike the Amits of the north who are very noisy and violent. The Mallu likes to demonstrate his non-violent methods by observing a special festival called Hartal or Strike every other day. During this festival mallus very peacefully and non-violently march towards the nearest government office and peacefully vandalize the office and throw stones at the police, also peacefully. The police will also peacefully throw these stones back. This stone hurling is the national sport of ‘The Mallu’. In fact it is the practice that he got during these stone hurling sessions that helped the greatest mallu among all the mallus, Sreesanth to be the best bowler in all of cricket.

 So for all the Amits out there, this is how a Mallu comes into existence. All this entrance coaching, literacy, political awareness and coconut oil go into making of the greatest entity in the world, ‘The Mallu'. So please be very afraid of ‘The Mallu’ because you don’t just meet a mallu, they happen to you.

 P.S: The last line is not at all nicked from a T-Shirt.

 P.P.S: I started writing this post as a serious one about my state and the problems it is facing. Then I realized that I am not Chetan Bagat and switched to writing it the best way I knew.

 I am somebody who believes that the answer to all the problems this world faces lies in proper education. Yet my own state which boasts of a literacy rate which is higher than that of most European Countries has the highest rate of suicide in the whole of India. We consume the maximum amount of alcohol among all Indian States and mine is the state which has the highest number of divorces in India. Even if we have movies which are nominated for the Oscar we still prefer to see movies in which either a 60 year old grandfather is falling in love with a heroine 40 years younger than him or in which a fat, liposuctioned snob is driving around in big cars chasing girls. I end this article with a question ‘we mallus are definitely 100% literate, but are we even 10% educated?’