What is in a name?

Recently one of my cousins had a baby boy. Against my wishes I was dragged into the process of choosing a name for the baby. I participated reluctantly at first suggesting some names like Rishabh and Amit, but they said these where North Indian names and they wanted a good Mallu name. I suggested Arun, the malluest of all names, but they rejected it saying that there were already 783496 Aruns in our family and they wanted a name that is not very common and fully Mallu. I suggested Marthanda Varma; they came at me with a sword. This went on for quite some time during which a lot of names got rejected and out of desperation, I offered to loan my name. This idea was not met with an enthusiastic response. Fed up with all this I got up and flipkarted them a book called ‘Indian Baby Names’, thus ending my association with the long and winding processes. I have now decided to gift all my relatives who are having babies with this book so that I will be spared from the torture of having to be a part of the painstaking process of choosing a name for the kid.

I have heard that some people decide on what to name their kids, when they are young. I have had a friend who spilt up with his girlfriend and the reason was that they had a fight about what the name of their kids will be. I quite liked the idea of picking out your kids names early, so I decided to give it a try. So future wife of mine, Ryan Giggs , Wayne Rooney, Mila Kunis and Zoey Deschanel it is going to be.

 I frankly think kids should be able to choose their own names so that they don’t have to live the embarrassing name their parents have given then. I think kids when they are about 10 or 12 should be allowed to select what their name should be. Although if this is the case almost 99% of Indian kids will end up with the name Sachin Tendulkar.

There is this story of a guy who had a kid and decided not to give the kid a name. So everybody started calling him “No Name” and eventually his name became set as “No Name”. I have a friend whose name is ‘Amit’ with no second name. So when a teacher or someone asks for his name he says Amit and when they ask for the full name he says “Just Amit”. Now everyone calls him ‘Just Amit’.

There is no escaping this world if you have a weird name. Your life will be wasted standing in endless queues where you have to correct your misspelled name in certificates, ID cards etc. I have always had this problem. I have an easy first name ‘Gokul’ and a tougher second name ‘Raghunadh’. I know my second name is spelled wrong and it should actually be ‘Raghunath’. So whenever I fill out any official forms or something I make it sure to spell out my name to whoever is taking down my details. But inevitably when my certificate or the document I want comes my second name will be spelled wrong. Hello people who write certificates, I know the spelling of my name, you don’t have to spell check it for me. My certificate collection has certificates in it where my second name varies from Raghunath, Reghunath, Nath, Ranghunandan etc. Even my engineering mark lists spelled my name wrong and I had to stand in many queues to change that. Last month I had attended a seminar and when they gave me the certificate out of habit I checked my second name and surprisingly it was spelled correctly. That is when I noticed that my first name was spelled ‘Gekul’. Seriously people, why would anyone name their kid after something that sounds like a lizard?

Mallus have the practice of getting my first name wrong. They spell it ‘Gogul’. No good people of Kerala, I am not the search engine and there is a K in my name. But so many people are actually misspelling my name Gogul that I am now planning to create an alter ego ‘Gogul, The Media Mogul’. Somehow I don’t think that idea will click.

Another problem I had with my name was when I worked in Maharashtra. Marathis could not comprehend the fact that I had no caste name attached to my name. I tried to explain to them that we Mallus are very secular and most of us don’t prefer to keep our caste names with our names. This just led to more questions and fed up with answering all those I started to invent random Mallu caste names as my second name. So if you ever go to Jalgaon in Maharashtra and somebody tells you about a Gokul Pillai or Varma or Nair or Menon it is probably me. One doubt a Marathi friend of mine had was if Mallus don’t have caste names with their name then how will we know when we first meet a girl and ask her name if you can hit on her or not. I didn’t have an answer to that.

So to people who ask what is in a name, I say everything. It represents what you are more than anything else. It is like one of these things like where you are born or which caste you are born into, that even though you have no control on it plays a huge role in where your life ends up.  

Signing off with that,

Your Humble Blogger,

Sachin Tendulkar. 

300, The Mallu Version!!!

How to make even the calmest Mallu snap?

Golden Tales

A couple of weeks ago I went to a jewellery with my mother. She had been pestering me for some time and after running out of all the excuses I could think of and found from my research on the internet I finally decided to give in and go with her.

The dreaded hour arrived. My mom got ready. She was wearing so much more jewelry than she normally did which made my dad to joke if she was going to sell or buy ornaments. Mom gave him a stare so cold that I immediately swallowed a couple of jokes that I had thought on my own. Man, dad’s tea is going to be horrible for the next week.

Finally I, mom and my little brother set off to the Jewelry. Dad escaped saying he had work to do. I had used that excuse about 3 times already, so I had no other option. We reached the Jewellery. Owing to the fact that my mom doesn’t come to the Jewellery much and that I don’t have any girl siblings this was my first ever visit to a jewellery since I was a toddler. It was a really boring experience. It was like the worst four hours of my life.   

So from this experience and the observations I have made, I present to you amateur Jewelry goers who will have to accompany their mothers/sisters/spouses/girlfriends to the Jewelry, some tips.


Tip no.1 - The best thing to do is not go to the jewelry at all or postpone going as much as you can. Use excuses to drop out from going. For Eg: The one I used first was to say that I was not well. But you have to use this with caution because after you use this excuse more than two times your mom will go uber-protective on you and will blame a lot of things like your late sleeping, eating junk food, not taking proper care etc. She will also start putting subtle hints about smoking and drinking. This is a cue to stop using this particular excuse. Another excuse you can use is about how tired you are from your work and the long hours to put at it. This can be used more times than the ‘I am sick’ excuse but should be put to rest when your mom starts saying “If you are finding your work this hard. Why don’t you start looking for another job? You can write this exam, that exam etc.”

Other than these two excuses there are other small excuses you can use but eventually you will have to subside and go with her.


Readers, if you have any other good excuses other than these please mention it in the comments so that I can use them next time.   

Tip no.2- The second tip is about how you can spend the least time in the Jewelers.  My mom spent about 4 hours choosing a single set of earrings. The equivalent amount of shopping for me would have taken four maximum fourteen minutes and that is just if the salesgirl is really cute.

At first I showed some interest and gave her some opinions. After about half hour I got bored (This had nothing to do with the fact that a cute girl who was trying out ornaments sitting right next to us had left), got up and started roaming around. After almost three hours she called me and showed me some ornaments and asked which one I liked. I had no idea, so I told her that the blue ones are good. My mom got angry and replied “Blue? There are no blue ones in there. The only coloured ones are lilac and lavender. You are just like your dad. Not interested in helping me.” I wanted to tell her that I didn’t even know what lilac and lavender are and that it is all blue to me. But when your mom starts drawing parallels between you and your dad it is a cue that it is time to shut up. 

Finally after what seemed like eternity my mom selected one and asked the sales guy to bill it. After he brought the bill my mom asked to see another set of earrings and finally ended up taking a different one.

The only way to escape from this time is to come to the jewellery an hour before it closes so that the ladies are left with no other option other than to finish the shopping in an hour. The only other option is to learn all about jewelry and the names of all the colours out there.

  

Tip no.3 - The third tip is about money if you are buying the jewelry. As I told you already, it was my first time in a jewellery so I had no idea how much gold would cost. But when I saw all the prices in the shop I was shocked. Boy, gold is costly. My mom selected only something which was way lower than my budget but for the next time I am going to the jewellery I have devised a clever plan. I will go to the shop only in the last week of the month. By this time I will exhaust my debit and credit cards to the exact limit I am willing to spend on the ornaments so that you don’t give them any option.

This plan however has a chance of backfiring. That is if the person who you are accompanying wants something that is over your budget and she suggests that you can come back the next month to buy it. This is the worst situation to be in, not only will you be losing more money but there is also a prospect of spending 4-5 hours more in the jewellery. If such a situation arises then beg, borrow, steal, call your friend who are within an hour distance and get the extra cash and get them the ornaments they want because another 4 more hours in a jewellery will make you want to kill yourself.  


Tip no.4 - When the cute girl sitting next to you who has been trying on ornaments for hours says ‘oh, the gold is too costly nowadays’, please don’t reply “See it is because countries can either stock money in the form of American Dollars or Gold, but since now the value of dollars have gone down countries are stocking more gold, hence the rise in gold prices. Goldman Sachs says…” The only thing this will get you is a look of contempt from the girl, although on hearing Goldman, the girl will turn and ask “Goldman? Who is he? Is he a superhero who produces gold? Awwww, can I marry Goldman?”

Tip no.5 - Good jewellerys offer you soft drinks or coffee when you are shopping. When an attendant offered me coffee I rejected because I had had enough of this machine made coffee at work .That was the worst mistake I made that day. So friends, if you are offered coffee at a jewellery, please take it and drink and ask if you can get more because trust me, you are going to need it.

Gold costs so much these days that I actually fell really bad for the parents of girl children who have to spend so much on gold for their weddings. So girls, if you want to save your parents all this trouble, please sent a mail to me (with a full size photo). I will be able to help one maybe maximum two dads. 

THE MALLU

In this post I will try to explain what ‘The Mallu’ is to all those who are not from the bitter gourd (Karela, for the people from states that don’t have 100% literacy) shaped beautiful state in the extreme south of India. 

The word Mallu came into existence long back in AD 2002 when people from the north of India(referred from here-on as the Amits) realised that in fact ‘Madras’ constituted of two different states, One in which everyone is a Rajni fan and another one in which everyone ate, slept, bathe and shit coconut. The word 'Mallu' is used to refer to three things by any person who lives to the north of Bangalore (which incidentally is the capital of ‘The Mallu’). It can refer either to a person from the state of Kerala or the ‘tuk-tak’ language they speak or more importantly to the porn from the south of the country.

 So what really is ‘The Mallu’? The Mallu is all what is said above and much much more. In fact it is a phenomenon. God made the Mallu only after he had achieved 100% literacy, which means it is his most complex and sophisticated creation.

 Statistically speaking The Mallu is a person who is
a. Highly educated.
b. Will put lots of coconut oil on his hair.
c. Will drink a lot of booze.
d. Will become an engineer or doctor and eventually commit suicide.

 Dear Amits, to understand what ‘The Mallu’ are you will first have to understand how ‘The Mallu’ is being created and also you should have Sensibility, Sensitivity and Resistivity.

 A typical mallu when born will be given the name Arun if he is a boy or Lakshmi (This name can sometimes be preceded by adjectives like Maha, Mega, Giga etc) if it’s a girl. The girl child can also be named from random English words like Mini, Shiny, Clara, Chlamydia etc.

 After this naming ceremony the mother will love their children by putting copious amounts of coconut oil in their hair.

 Then they will be sent to an English medium school. A typical conversation of a mallu parent who has come to drop off their child in the school for the first time in their LKG is “Mone, you must be first in all subjects. If you don’t come first we won’t give you any of delicious food I make in coconut oil. See that kid over there; he is my colleague’s child. Make sure that you beat him in everything including studies, sports, singing, dancing, karate, kathakali, kalaripayattu, arabipattu and also Tamil padyam.”

 To the teacher “Miss, please take care of him. Also make sure that he doesn’t speak, read or write a word of Malayalam. And please start his entrance exam coaching classes tomorrow itself.”

 The only solace a Mallu child will get in is in the chocolates and toys their uncle in the Gulf brings them.

 After this rigorous education process all mallus will sit for the competitive multiple choice exams and will come top in everything. This is because ‘The Mallu’ is being trained from a very young age to take multiple choice exams. Even when ‘The Mallu’ is in LKG, the only alphabets which he was thought were a, b, c, d and e which stood for none of the above.

 So after excelling in the entrance examination we will eventually join a high ranking engineering or medical college. When in this college along with studying we will also get into politics. You see, we mallus are very politically aware. This is a straight effect from our 100% literacy. We demonstrate this high political awareness by electing a different political party to the government every 5 years.

 Also ‘The Mallu’ is very cool, calm and peace loving person unlike the Amits of the north who are very noisy and violent. The Mallu likes to demonstrate his non-violent methods by observing a special festival called Hartal or Strike every other day. During this festival mallus very peacefully and non-violently march towards the nearest government office and peacefully vandalize the office and throw stones at the police, also peacefully. The police will also peacefully throw these stones back. This stone hurling is the national sport of ‘The Mallu’. In fact it is the practice that he got during these stone hurling sessions that helped the greatest mallu among all the mallus, Sreesanth to be the best bowler in all of cricket.

 So for all the Amits out there, this is how a Mallu comes into existence. All this entrance coaching, literacy, political awareness and coconut oil go into making of the greatest entity in the world, ‘The Mallu'. So please be very afraid of ‘The Mallu’ because you don’t just meet a mallu, they happen to you.

 P.S: The last line is not at all nicked from a T-Shirt.

 P.P.S: I started writing this post as a serious one about my state and the problems it is facing. Then I realized that I am not Chetan Bagat and switched to writing it the best way I knew.

 I am somebody who believes that the answer to all the problems this world faces lies in proper education. Yet my own state which boasts of a literacy rate which is higher than that of most European Countries has the highest rate of suicide in the whole of India. We consume the maximum amount of alcohol among all Indian States and mine is the state which has the highest number of divorces in India. Even if we have movies which are nominated for the Oscar we still prefer to see movies in which either a 60 year old grandfather is falling in love with a heroine 40 years younger than him or in which a fat, liposuctioned snob is driving around in big cars chasing girls. I end this article with a question ‘we mallus are definitely 100% literate, but are we even 10% educated?’

In your face, Christopher Nolan

In Indian Mythology; Vamana,an incarnation of Lord Vishnu, is said to have killed the wise and just king of Kerala, Mahabali. It is also said that Kerala is created by Parashurama, another incarnation of Lord Vishnu, by throwing an axe. But isn't Vamana the 5th incarnation of Lord Vishnu and Parashurama the 6th?

This proves that us Mallus, like a lot of other things, came up with the idea of non-linear narrative much before the western world even thought of it. In your face, Christopher Nolan.

If Tendulkar is god, Then I am an atheist.

Sachin Tendulkar is considered by many as the greatest batsman ever to have played the game of cricket. Only the legendary Sir Donald Bradman, who had a test average of 99.94 (Even he wouldn’t be able to get into SRCC), is considered an equal to him. Tendulkar holds almost all batting and appearance records in the five day and one day version of the game. In India he is considered nothing less than a god. This article is about why I hate him.

Let me say one thing first, I also agree that he is the best batsman of our generation. His statistics alone would prove it. If nothing else his longevity in the highest level of the game alone qualifies him for the title of legend. The guy started playing way back in 1989 when he was only 16 and is still going strong even after 22 years. So why is it that I hate Tendulkar? It is because of what he has made Indian cricket and its fans and in general Indian sports into.

When I was a kid, like every Indian boy, I was baptized into cricket and Sachin Tendulkar. I still remember the very first cricket matches I watched; it was a match between India and West Indies. I clearly remember one of the scenes when the cameraman zoomed into one of the bugs (a cricket most probably) on the ground. West Indies was batting first and I decided that I will support them because they had something similar to India in their name. Only later did I realize that the team that was bowling was India, and I duly switched my allegiance.

I used to be a big fan of Tendulkar when I was a kid. I watched him, adored him, idolized him, ate only ‘Boost’, said “Boost is the secret of my energy” along with him when the Ad came on TV and stopped watching the game when he got out as if nothing else mattered. Then came a time when he was out of the team for a long time due to a back injury. During this time, I became the fan of the other super star of the Indian cricket team at that time, Sourav Ganguly, and I never gone back to Tendulkar since.

The thing that I don’t get most about Tendulkar is why he is the only cricketer (except for players like Zaheer or Yuvraj who have common surnames), to whom Indians including Indian cricket commentators refer to by his first name. All Indians irrespective of there age, state or religion call him Sachin like he is somebody they know very close personally. Some of my friends have told me, during long arguments we used to have about Tendulkar that this is because he has a long surname. In that case, nobody called Hrishikesh Kanithkar, Hrishikesh, not that would have helped nor did anyone call Gavaskar, Sunil. In my opinion why we all call him Sachin is because that what we heard him being called in the numerous Ads that he has been and is continuing to be a part of. I am sure everyone remembers the ‘Boost’ Ad, where he says “When I was 16, there were nine fielders around me” or something like that and he drinks Boost and says that Boost is the secret of his energy and then blasts away the West Indian bowlers. Boost at that time came out with the tagline ‘The secret of Sachin’s energy’ because ‘The secret of Tendulkar’s energy’ wouldn’t sound catchy enough. This is how I think all of us Indians started to call him Sachin.

Another thing I don’t like about Tendulkar is that for a batsman of his caliber and experience he very often fails to perform under pressure or when he is most needed by his team. In the first 10-15 years of his career he did play many memorable knocks, made many great hundreds, but these where most during times when the pressure was not very high on him. When it came to crucial matches like finals etc, when India wanted the best batsman in the world to step up and deliver and be the god that he is supposed to be, he often cracked and failed to come up with a good performance. Also the short period he was captain of the Indian cricket team proved that he couldn’t take pressure. This was the time when he has the worst numbers in his career till date. I am not saying this is a fault of his. Leadership quality is something you are born with and not everyone is a Steve Waugh or MS Dhoni. But to the latter part of his career, that is, during the last 5-6 years he seems to be playing more knocks that are good for his team rather than only for him. There have been a lot of occasions where he has steped and saved the Indian team when they were in grave danger. Also he is performing a very good job as the captain of his IPL team, Mumbai Indians. So it took a cricketer who has been playing since he was 16 more than 15 years to learn to handle pressure? Is that the stuff of legends?

Another thing about Tendulkar which I hate is the way he stalls his innings when he reaches the 90’s irrespective of what position his team is in. I agree that almost all batsmen in the world do this, but I haven’t noticed any other batsman who undergoes such a huge change of style and pace in his batting when he reaches his 90’s. It is like all he cares about is his century and not his team.

The thing I hate most about Tendulkar is what he has made Indian cricket and its fans. He or the people who are with him have transformed Indian cricket into nothing but another place where corporate companies can invest in and get a good return. There is no longer any romance in Indian cricket. It is just a meaningless exercise for some people to make money. Most cricket fans in India stop watching a cricket match when Tendulkar gets out. My hostel common rooms would be full on match days, but as soon as Tendulkar got out the room would be empty except for 2 or 3 people. So are we a nation of cricket fans or just Tendulkar fans? Do we want India to win a match or will Tendulkar making a century do?

When India won the cricket world cup a few months back, I like everyone else thought that Tendulkar will retire at least from one day cricket. But he didn’t retire saying that he loves the sport too much for him to stop playing it. I am not saying that he should have retired; he is playing some of his best cricket now. But personally I think he didn’t retire because of the huge financial losses he would have in sponsorship and Ads if he retires from the sport. Tendulkar’s marketability is so huge that any product that he endorses is sure to be a hit with the Indian consumers.

This wild craze of cricket by Indians has rendered other Indian sports and sportspersons moot. There are many sportspersons in India who have made similar achievements in their chosen sport like Tendulkar has done in cricket, but they never get any media coverage or the spotlight. Does anyone know who Marykhom or Pankaj Advani is?

The 2000th test match is now being played between India and England in Lord’s now. Everyone is hoping that Tendulkar will make his hundredth hundred in this test. One of my friends had tweeted on the first day of the test “Fletcher’s 100th test as coach, India’s 100th test against England and of course the 100th hundred of the master”. I kindly reminded him that this was also the 2000th test, something worth mentioning and that not everything is about India and Tendulkar to which his reply was “for me that’s just something down the importance list”.

All in all, I agree that Tendulkar is a very good batsman, probably the greatest of all time, if not, at least of our generation. But if he is a God, then I am an atheist.

P.S: To all my friends, please don’t kill me. You are welcome to post your comments. I will not be replying to anyone of them as I have finished my lifetime quota of arguments with others on just this one topic.