In this post I will try to explain what ‘The Mallu’ is to all those who are not from the bitter gourd (Karela, for the people from states that don’t have 100% literacy) shaped beautiful state in the extreme south of India.
The word Mallu came into existence long back in AD 2002 when people from the north of India(referred from here-on as the Amits) realised that in fact ‘Madras’ constituted of two different states, One in which everyone is a Rajni fan and another one in which everyone ate, slept, bathe and shit coconut. The word 'Mallu' is used to refer to three things by any person who lives to the north of Bangalore (which incidentally is the capital of ‘The Mallu’). It can refer either to a person from the state of Kerala or the ‘tuk-tak’ language they speak or more importantly to the porn from the south of the country.
So what really is ‘The Mallu’? The Mallu is all what is said above and much much more. In fact it is a phenomenon. God made the Mallu only after he had achieved 100% literacy, which means it is his most complex and sophisticated creation.
Statistically speaking The Mallu is a person who is
a. Highly educated.
b. Will put lots of coconut oil on his hair.
c. Will drink a lot of booze.
d. Will become an engineer or doctor and eventually commit suicide.
Dear Amits, to understand what ‘The Mallu’ are you will first have to understand how ‘The Mallu’ is being created and also you should have Sensibility, Sensitivity and Resistivity.
A typical mallu when born will be given the name Arun if he is a boy or Lakshmi (This name can sometimes be preceded by adjectives like Maha, Mega, Giga etc) if it’s a girl. The girl child can also be named from random English words like Mini, Shiny, Clara, Chlamydia etc.
After this naming ceremony the mother will love their children by putting copious amounts of coconut oil in their hair.
Then they will be sent to an English medium school. A typical conversation of a mallu parent who has come to drop off their child in the school for the first time in their LKG is “Mone, you must be first in all subjects. If you don’t come first we won’t give you any of delicious food I make in coconut oil. See that kid over there; he is my colleague’s child. Make sure that you beat him in everything including studies, sports, singing, dancing, karate, kathakali, kalaripayattu, arabipattu and also Tamil padyam.”
To the teacher “Miss, please take care of him. Also make sure that he doesn’t speak, read or write a word of Malayalam. And please start his entrance exam coaching classes tomorrow itself.”
The only solace a Mallu child will get in is in the chocolates and toys their uncle in the Gulf brings them.
After this rigorous education process all mallus will sit for the competitive multiple choice exams and will come top in everything. This is because ‘The Mallu’ is being trained from a very young age to take multiple choice exams. Even when ‘The Mallu’ is in LKG, the only alphabets which he was thought were a, b, c, d and e which stood for none of the above.
So after excelling in the entrance examination we will eventually join a high ranking engineering or medical college. When in this college along with studying we will also get into politics. You see, we mallus are very politically aware. This is a straight effect from our 100% literacy. We demonstrate this high political awareness by electing a different political party to the government every 5 years.
Also ‘The Mallu’ is very cool, calm and peace loving person unlike the Amits of the north who are very noisy and violent. The Mallu likes to demonstrate his non-violent methods by observing a special festival called Hartal or Strike every other day. During this festival mallus very peacefully and non-violently march towards the nearest government office and peacefully vandalize the office and throw stones at the police, also peacefully. The police will also peacefully throw these stones back. This stone hurling is the national sport of ‘The Mallu’. In fact it is the practice that he got during these stone hurling sessions that helped the greatest mallu among all the mallus, Sreesanth to be the best bowler in all of cricket.
So for all the Amits out there, this is how a Mallu comes into existence. All this entrance coaching, literacy, political awareness and coconut oil go into making of the greatest entity in the world, ‘The Mallu'. So please be very afraid of ‘The Mallu’ because you don’t just meet a mallu, they happen to you.
P.S: The last line is not at all nicked from a T-Shirt.
P.P.S: I started writing this post as a serious one about my state and the problems it is facing. Then I realized that I am not Chetan Bagat and switched to writing it the best way I knew.
I am somebody who believes that the answer to all the problems this world faces lies in proper education. Yet my own state which boasts of a literacy rate which is higher than that of most European Countries has the highest rate of suicide in the whole of India. We consume the maximum amount of alcohol among all Indian States and mine is the state which has the highest number of divorces in India. Even if we have movies which are nominated for the Oscar we still prefer to see movies in which either a 60 year old grandfather is falling in love with a heroine 40 years younger than him or in which a fat, liposuctioned snob is driving around in big cars chasing girls. I end this article with a question ‘we mallus are definitely 100% literate, but are we even 10% educated?’
The word Mallu came into existence long back in AD 2002 when people from the north of India(referred from here-on as the Amits) realised that in fact ‘Madras’ constituted of two different states, One in which everyone is a Rajni fan and another one in which everyone ate, slept, bathe and shit coconut. The word 'Mallu' is used to refer to three things by any person who lives to the north of Bangalore (which incidentally is the capital of ‘The Mallu’). It can refer either to a person from the state of Kerala or the ‘tuk-tak’ language they speak or more importantly to the porn from the south of the country.
So what really is ‘The Mallu’? The Mallu is all what is said above and much much more. In fact it is a phenomenon. God made the Mallu only after he had achieved 100% literacy, which means it is his most complex and sophisticated creation.
Statistically speaking The Mallu is a person who is
a. Highly educated.
b. Will put lots of coconut oil on his hair.
c. Will drink a lot of booze.
d. Will become an engineer or doctor and eventually commit suicide.
Dear Amits, to understand what ‘The Mallu’ are you will first have to understand how ‘The Mallu’ is being created and also you should have Sensibility, Sensitivity and Resistivity.
A typical mallu when born will be given the name Arun if he is a boy or Lakshmi (This name can sometimes be preceded by adjectives like Maha, Mega, Giga etc) if it’s a girl. The girl child can also be named from random English words like Mini, Shiny, Clara, Chlamydia etc.
After this naming ceremony the mother will love their children by putting copious amounts of coconut oil in their hair.
Then they will be sent to an English medium school. A typical conversation of a mallu parent who has come to drop off their child in the school for the first time in their LKG is “Mone, you must be first in all subjects. If you don’t come first we won’t give you any of delicious food I make in coconut oil. See that kid over there; he is my colleague’s child. Make sure that you beat him in everything including studies, sports, singing, dancing, karate, kathakali, kalaripayattu, arabipattu and also Tamil padyam.”
To the teacher “Miss, please take care of him. Also make sure that he doesn’t speak, read or write a word of Malayalam. And please start his entrance exam coaching classes tomorrow itself.”
The only solace a Mallu child will get in is in the chocolates and toys their uncle in the Gulf brings them.
After this rigorous education process all mallus will sit for the competitive multiple choice exams and will come top in everything. This is because ‘The Mallu’ is being trained from a very young age to take multiple choice exams. Even when ‘The Mallu’ is in LKG, the only alphabets which he was thought were a, b, c, d and e which stood for none of the above.
So after excelling in the entrance examination we will eventually join a high ranking engineering or medical college. When in this college along with studying we will also get into politics. You see, we mallus are very politically aware. This is a straight effect from our 100% literacy. We demonstrate this high political awareness by electing a different political party to the government every 5 years.
Also ‘The Mallu’ is very cool, calm and peace loving person unlike the Amits of the north who are very noisy and violent. The Mallu likes to demonstrate his non-violent methods by observing a special festival called Hartal or Strike every other day. During this festival mallus very peacefully and non-violently march towards the nearest government office and peacefully vandalize the office and throw stones at the police, also peacefully. The police will also peacefully throw these stones back. This stone hurling is the national sport of ‘The Mallu’. In fact it is the practice that he got during these stone hurling sessions that helped the greatest mallu among all the mallus, Sreesanth to be the best bowler in all of cricket.
So for all the Amits out there, this is how a Mallu comes into existence. All this entrance coaching, literacy, political awareness and coconut oil go into making of the greatest entity in the world, ‘The Mallu'. So please be very afraid of ‘The Mallu’ because you don’t just meet a mallu, they happen to you.
P.S: The last line is not at all nicked from a T-Shirt.
P.P.S: I started writing this post as a serious one about my state and the problems it is facing. Then I realized that I am not Chetan Bagat and switched to writing it the best way I knew.
I am somebody who believes that the answer to all the problems this world faces lies in proper education. Yet my own state which boasts of a literacy rate which is higher than that of most European Countries has the highest rate of suicide in the whole of India. We consume the maximum amount of alcohol among all Indian States and mine is the state which has the highest number of divorces in India. Even if we have movies which are nominated for the Oscar we still prefer to see movies in which either a 60 year old grandfather is falling in love with a heroine 40 years younger than him or in which a fat, liposuctioned snob is driving around in big cars chasing girls. I end this article with a question ‘we mallus are definitely 100% literate, but are we even 10% educated?’
6 comments:
Superb gokul .... write more often so that I can laugh my way to good health.. :)
Loved it, sharing on fb!
hilarious :D
sharing on fb...
wonderful one.. tho the part about studies reminded me of Bongs.. except that live in a dreamy world of their own and smoke more than they drink.. ;)
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